I know that it can be hard to think of convincing-sounding character names (endless airport fiction books with ex-SAS heroes named Jack Stone, Jake Steel, etc), but whoever thought up the so-called 'England U-17 team' wasn't even trying.
Okay, I accept that Conor Wickham's existence has been independently verified. But the rest of them?
Will Keane - frontman of dangerous new, definitely not remotely posh, indie band.
Jack Butland - plain-speaking DI in ITV detective series.
Josh McEachran - frontman of new, definitely not manufactured, chart pop band. Possesses 'artistic credentials' (stubble and self-written songs)
Benik Afobe - Melchester Rovers' new Burkinan international full-back.
Conor Coady - new Eastenders teenage heart-throb.
Bruno Pilatos - of some unspecified swarthy nationality, played against Melchester in a European Cup tie, gave away penalty (converted by Roy Race)
Luke Garbutt - actor who plays Conor Coady
Nathaniel Chalobah - tough, goateed young priest, played by Chiwetel Ejiofor, last survivor in zombie movie.
Andre Wisdom - Australian club DJ, specialises in breakbeats, remix of a Roni Size track got 'heavy rotation, locally'